Water Parks

You know what really grinds my gears?

Water parks. While these wild wacky places are meant to be fun, they are in fact... disgusting. These places are filled with millions of little kids running around barefoot (in their bathing suits). The water is gross and I am pretty sure that no matter how much chlorine they put in there, they still cant kill all of the germs. Also, just think of all of the pee in the water. EWWW (See South Park episode for more on this point: http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/251891)

In short they are kinda gross. I will stick with roller coasters, thank you.

Ticketmaster

You know what really grinds my gears?

Ticketmaster. Every time I try to purchase concert tickets, I get the ticketmaster run around. First with the pre sales. If you don't pay $50 or have a platinum amex card, you can't get good tickets. Once you go on at the exact time, you will be placed in a line that continues to get longer. A one minute wait becomes a five minute wait, as if thousands of people are cutting the line in front you. Afterwards, you are assigned a terrible seat. You may graciously accept it or let it go to get a worse seat. Then you get dinged with the fees. They charge you a "convenience charge" for being incredibly inconvenient. Then they charge you to print out your tickets.

They are obviously a monopoly and need to be shut down.

Unnecessary social networking sites.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Unnecessary social networking sites. Ok, I will say that some of these are just incredible, Like take Facebook for example. It is genius and has been an incredible tool for me with a lot of the work that I do.

But some of these are tools that are just abused. For example, I have to manage a Twitter account at my office and people share the stupidest shit. Like "My cat likes his new toy" or "OMG! LUV THE JoBro" or they will link to pointless websites. I sometimes wonder why our tax dollars are paying to have this archived by the government. In 1000 years, people will look back and be like, "Damn! Their lives were boring as fuck"

With that said, I absolutely hate FourSquare (4sq). This is a site that tracks you and tells all of your e-friends where you are at any given minute. Like really, i don't wanna know if you are at Trader Joe's, Penn Station or Planned Parenthood. have you ever stopped to think it may not be the best idea to publish your movements to people on the internet?

Mall Cops

You know what really grinds my gears?

Mall Cops. These individuals were so smart that they have entered the field of being rent-a-cops. I am not talking about the people who just work in malls, I am taking about people who are paid to be "security guards." These people range from Mall Cops to Wackenhuts to Gated Community Guards to the man who feels it necessary to pull me aside walking out of kmart with one box of laundry detergent.

Basically these are people who have absolutely no authority or legal power, and feel saddened by it, so they go out of their way to be as obnoxious and rude as they possibly can.

For anyone who has gone to college recently, I am sure you can remember the lovely encounters with campus police. These are some of the only people on the payroll who interact with students, yet, are too stupid to have a college degree. These individuals get a sort of sick pleasure of hassling students for presentation of ID cards or inconveniencing them and smiling while doing it. As Ms. Lindsey Kay Howard can attest to, these are the some of the smuggest SOB's out there.

Then, we have the mall cop. They single out teenagers because (Of course...) people in their 20s and older never steal. These people are too lazy to walk around the mall and use a segway to make their way through people. The Segway mall cop has a larger ego than most because he is slightly higher than everyone else. These people segway back and forth between the food court and main entrance which why they are often slightly over weight.

If you are from South Florida or LA, you may be familiar with the idea of a gated community. Essentially, people put giant signs on the entrance to their neighborhoods in the form of a gate that say the following: "We have cool stuff to steal". Anyway, these people feel that they are the police force with in the gates and will do things such as give tickets, ask for IDs and give you disapproving looks.

But what really grinds my gears is the following. Why are these people packing heat? Seriously, if you can't be a real cop (because they are just so smart too) why are you permitted to hold a gun?

Adderall Abuse

You know what really grinds my gears?

Adderall abuse. Ok people. I know college is competitive and stressful. I am a student at a half decent school. But this abuse has to stop. First off, selling people prescription drugs is not only highly illegal, but it can be dangerous.

Second, it is not fair to students like me who actually do the work with out the illicit use of drugs. If you cant focus for 8 hours straight, it doesnt mean you have ADD or ADHD, it means your a normal human being. Let me ask you a question: Do you think it is fair to use steroids in professional sports? Because I dont, and I dont think it is fair to abuse drugs like this in academia. Plan ahead, drink coffee and take a study break. What you are doing isn't fair and it is wrong.

Why is it that universities crack down so much on things like underage drinking and marajuana smoking when prescription drug abuse (20% according to the NYTimes) is much more dangerous and so prevalent?

So the next time you are thinking about buying "addy" from some drop out with a skateboard, please consider the following side effects of adderall:
Constipation; diarrhea; difficulty sleeping; dizziness; dry mouth; headache; loss of appetite; nausea; nervousness; restlessness; stomach pain or upset; unpleasant taste; vomiting; weight loss; Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); blurred vision; change in sexual ability or desire; chest pain; confusion; depression; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever; growth suppression; mental/mood changes; numbness or tingling in an arm or leg; one-sided weakness; painful or frequent urination; seizures; severe headache; severe stomach pain; severe weight loss; sudden severe dizziness, fainting, or vomiting; uncontrolled muscle movement; unusual weakness or tiredness; vision or speech changes; Palpitations, tachycardia, elevation of blood pressure, sudden death, myocardial infarction. There have been isolated reports of cardiomyopathy associated with chronic amphetamine use; Psychotic episodes at recommended doses, overstimulation, restlessness, dizziness, insomnia, euphoria, dyskinesia, dysphoria, depression, tremor, headache, exacerbation of motor and phonic tics and Tourette's syndrome, seizures, stroke; Dryness of the mouth, unpleasant taste, diarrhea, constipation, other gastrointestinal disturbances. Anorexia and weight loss may occur as undesirable effects; Urticaria, rash, rare reports of angioedema, rare reports of a symptom complex resembling anaphylaxis; Impotence, changes in libido.

Pat Robertson

You know who really grinds my gears?

Pat Robertson. Why, you might ask. Here are just somethings this man said.

10. "Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court." –Pat Robertson

9. "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." –Pat Robertson

8. "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you, This is not a message of hate -- this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor." –Pat Robertson, on "gay days" at Disneyworld

7. "(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." –Pat Robertson

6. "I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period." –Pat Robertson

5. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for his help because he might not be there." --Pat Robertson, after the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial

4. "God considers this land to be his. You read the Bible and he says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.' ... He was dividing God's land. And I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the E.U., the United Nations, or the United States of America.' God says, 'This land belongs to me. You better leave it alone.'" --Pat Robertson, on why Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered a massive stroke

3. "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up" –Pat Robertson, on nuking the State Department

2. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with." –Pat Robertson, calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez

1. "It may be a blessing in disguise. ... Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other." –Pat Robertson, on the earthquake in Haiti that destroyed the capital and killed tens of thousands of people, Jan. 13, 2010




Do I need to say more? This man is the ringleader for evangelical Christianity in America. His right wing cult needs to stop now. It is ruining this country. Hey Pat, it is the left wing liberals that give you the right to say this stuff, so maybe you shouldn't be so fast to criticize us the next time you open your ugly mouth.

People who ash their cigarettes on you.

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who ash their cigarettes on you. So today, I was walked out of Oren's on Waverly and some girl who would have filled the profile as the Harajuku Girlfriend walks past me and ashed her nasty cigarette in my face. Look, if you wanna smoke, thats your prerogative, but dont ash IN MY FACE. I asked her to watch where she was ashing, but after not hearing me, I ran up until I stood infront of her and said the following, "Hey Lady, did you hear me? You wanna watch where you are ashing, no one wants your nasty ass cigarette ash in their face". Needless to say I think I scared her so much she actually ran away. Oops, I was just trying to make a point. But seriously, maybe she will think twice about how cool she is next time she lights up and struts down the street.

THANK YOU CITY ISLAND!

So I recently complained about the lack of dysfunctional family movies. City Island is the answer to my kvetch. (Here: http://whatgrindsbryansgears.blogspot.com/2010/03/lack-of-any-recent-dysfunctional-family.html)

Thank you! It was a great film. Everyone should go and see it.

missing the train

You know what really grinds my gears?

Missing the train. So the other day, I was on the subway transferring from an uptown 4 express to a Queens Bound R at 59th/Lex and as usual, I sprint up the stairs because I hear a train pulling in and as I get to the top, the mid-section operator looks on the platform and closes the doors after seeing me sprinting towards the door. Then I see that the front section operator hasnt closed the doors, and I run to the next car, but get stuck behind a SLOW WALKER and miss the train. Like, couldn't you wait for literally 10 seconds? Of course not.

The attitude I get from Starbucks baristas.

You know what really grinds my gears?

The attitude I get from Starbucks baristas. Ok, so since I live in New York, I usually try to support independent coffee shops, sometimes starbucks is so convenient that I have to go and get some fake coffee drink (because their black coffee is NASTY!). When I am paying close to $5 for a cappuccino and I ask for it with non-fat milk, and you give me whole milk, I think it is reasonable to ask you to remake it. Dont tell me that I am wrong, or I should just drink it. You are not the halal stand. You are starbucks. Show some damn customer service to the pack of loyal caffeine addicts who will pay exorbitant amounts of money for your bad coffee.

College ACB

You know what really grinds my gears?

College ACB. I came to college expecting that people were done with high school. http://collegeacb.com/sb.php?school=NYU

Look at this. Apparently, people are still in High School. People need to grow the fuck up and stop using websites like this. Honestly it is slanderous and disgusting. Dont get me wrong, I am a huge supporter of social networking websites, but this is a place where people either spread lies about each other or attempt to boost their own ego. If you use this website, you are most likely a terrible human being and should feel bad. If you are looking for a hookup, go to a bar. If you need an ego boost, go to therapy. Grow the eff up. Someone really needs to shut this down. NOW.

The fact that the Jews didnt have time to let the bread rise.

You know what really grinds my gears?

The fact that the Jews didnt have time to let the bread rise. Its day 7 of pesach. I just want pizza! Couldnt the jews have lost their broccoli or something? WHY THE BREAD?! Dude, Pharoah, you are on my douche list just for not letting their bread rise. Couldnt you have waited? Like, the Jesus Fan Club gets to give up anything they want. But, NOOO. We have to give up the tastiest substance known to man. Excuse me, I am now going to indulge in my 17th dry cracker today.

Auto Flush Toilets

You know what really grinds my gears?

Auto-Flush Toilets. So, Today, I am using a public restroom and as soon as I go to get up it seems that my ass has gotten a swirlie, however, no bully was the culpit here. I suffered this injustice because of the lazy ass idiot who invented the auto flush toilet. Like really? Ok, I know some people physically cant flush a toilet, but the rest of us are just getting splashed with wasted water. So, plumbers and architects. NEVER install these. Nothing ruins your day more than the auto-flush.

People who bring smelly food on to Public transportation

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who bring smelly food on to Public transportation. Ok, so the other day, I was on metro north and this busisness man sits down across from me and pulls out some nasty beef/relish hotdog from his bag. It smelled of bad, it was offensive to multiple senses! it just smelled like a rodent infested grease trap on the whole train because this guy couldnt eat his lunch before getting on the train. Dude. No one wants to smell your nasty ass hot dog. Please, eat it else where.

Fox News.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Fox News. And, the people who watch fox news. These idiots hire literally the dumbest show hosts ever. First off Ann Coulter makes my eyes bleed every time I see her face, but I would prefer to talk about Glenn Beck. Some facts on Glenn Beck. He is a high school graduate. After being admitted to a continuing studies program at Yale, he dropped out after taking one course. He was addicted to Alcohol and Drugs for many years and converted to Mornomism to help cope with life.

So, I really dont have a problem with any of that, but what I do have a problem with is the fact that this man is on TV and people believe that what he says is fact. Beck is a fear-mongerer and uses scare tactics to steer people away from supporting the Obama administration. Dont believe me? Ask the ADL, they felt so so strongly about this that they came out with a public statement about this.

In addition, what is with all of the crying Glenn? You dont make me feel bad for you because you have had a hard life. You look like a blubbering idiot who is also a multi-millionaire and live in Connecticut.

Ok, back to fox news, these people are so far to the right that they are falling off the spectrum. And please, there are SO MANY dumb ass americans who take what you say as fact. While I have no desire to limit your freedom on speech, please, just dont be so stupid and moronic, think about what you say and do before you do it.

Those People Who Hand Out Fliers

You know what really grinds my gears?

Those People Who Hand Out Fliers. So yesterday I was walking on B'way between Canal and Broome, so as usual, there were alot of people handing out fliers. Its like a game having to dodge them. Everything from take out menus to cheapest body wax in New York, which can be a bit insulting to hand to someone, but that's a different story entirely. I was trying to walk by one of these people and he jabbed the thing out in my face. I glanced down and the whole thing was in Chinese. Like, do I look like I can read that? I cant even tell what language it is for gods sake! Stop wasting paper. it all ends up on the ground anyway as litter. You are ruining the environment.

Slow Walkers

You know what really grinds my gears?

Slow Walkers. So I am walking down the street and I notice myself slowing down and then I look around and realize that I am caught behind a slow walker. I look to the left and the right and see that this slow walker has other slow walker friends and they are all wobbling slowly down Third Ave together. So, I cant pass them. I am stuck behind the slow people. And then I was late to an appointment. And no one would ever buy the slow walker excuse. But really, what is the deal with these people? Like they all look healthy, some even have long legs. So why are they so slow?? Do these people have nothing to do or do they just want to piss busy people like myself off?

So here is my plan to fix it. You know how we have bicycle lanes? Lets have slow walker lanes, this way they can have their space and normal people can have ours. I don't care what they do or how slow they walk in their slow peoples lane, that's none of my business, but as long as they are out of the way, I dont care.

People who dont get Airport security.

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who dont get Airport security. Line up. Show ID and Boarding Pass. Take off shoes and coats. Take out Laptop. Liquids out in a baggie.

Really? How hard is this. Ok, I know I fly alot more than the average person, but this really hasnt changed in the past 5 years. Why is it that you have to ask questions like... Where do I go now? Should I take off my shoes? Do you need my ID with my boarding pass? Come on. Is it that hard? If the person infront of you is asked to take off their shoes, you have to also. Dude, You arent special!

Oh, and this one really drove me up the wall. The guy infront of me in line had Million Mile club markers on his suitcase. This guy has flown over 1,000,000 miles in his life. And this dumbass still couldnt figure it out. Ok, I know it is a hassle people, but get with the program. Your stupidity is making us all late.

people who insist that god is a man.

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who insist that god is a man. Look, I am religious, dont get me wrong, but really, think about this. People want to picture god as this old, white man. Let me tell ya. Old white men cant do shit. If anyone is god, it is either an overbearing Jewish mother or a sassy black woman who also works at the DMV. Why? Because these women actually accomplish things in their day. Like, if a messiah ever comes, the messiah isnt going to be taking the limo to the country club in Westchester, the messiah will be in Harlem helping to feed the poor. Get real America!

Oh, and Rush Limbaugh, every time you open your mouth, God puts a tally mark on a piece of paper with your name on it. She is on her third legal pad.

sketchy investment emails

You know what really grinds my gears?

sketchy investment emails. SO the other day, my blackberry buzzed. I got excited, so I picked it up and saw the following email:

Dear Friend,

My name is MR ALI BARAKAH .I work as an AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING MANAGER of BANQUE COMMERCIALE DU BUKINA (B.C.B) ,working as part of a bigger team that covers the entire African region,I had taken pains to find your contact through personal endeavors,On routine audit check last month,I discovered some investment Accounts that had been dormant for the last seven years.

All the accounts belong to a single holder (NAME WITH HELD) with monies totaling a little above $11.5 million United States Dollars plus interest,I need a trust-worthy partner to assist us in recieving this funds for further investment in your country,You will be required to:

(1) Assist me in the recieving of this sum in your Country.

(2) Advise on areas for potential future investment in your country.

(3) Assist me in carrying a feasibility study before actual investment.

If you decide to render your service to me in this regard,you will be entitled to a percentage that will be agree that 40% of this money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foriegn account , 10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 50% would be for me and it will take only five working days the money will be transfer into your account as soon as possible.

1. Full Names.
2. Full contact Address (Not P.O Box).
3. Phone number(s).
4. Age.
5. Details of past work experiences.
Thank you and regards.
MR ALI BARAKAH

Like, ok creeps. I am not giving you any of this information, so please Mr. Ali Barakah. Go away. I cant imagine meeting the person who is so stupid as to respond to this. No one would. Just stop trying.

ps- Are you the same guy who runs the Spanish Lottery?

The lack of any recent dysfunctional family movies.

You know what really grinds my gears?

The lack of any recent dysfunctional family movies. Ok, so we all loved movies like Running with Scissors, The Squid and the Whale and of course, the Royal Tennenbaums. Why? Because they make our families look normal, which is better than any $150 hour of therapy can do for us. So, Hollywood... We need a new one. Like soon. They are humorous, entertaining, cheap to make and good. So why are you still making shit like Alvin and the Chipmunks, the Squeakquell instead of something like this. Script writers, get off your couch, put your joint out, and get to it!!

Holocaust Deniers

While I know this blog is usually meant to be humorous, please allow me to make a post that is very serious.

There is absolutely nothing that grinds my gears more than a holocaust denier. To clarify, there are a lot of people out there who actually go around and tell people that the holocaust never happened and that the jews made this up for their own personal gain. This is absurd. Look at history, look at the proof. the Nazi party kept millions of records. There are photographs, novels, personal tales, mass graves, etc, etc.

I have stood inside gas chambers in Auschwitz and Mydonic. I have seen gas chambers at Treblinka and Birkenau. Let me tell you. When you stand inside a cement room that has been stained with zyclon B gas and you look at the wall and see human scratch marks, you know. This was real. There is no denying the death of over 10 million people. There is no denying the murder of my ancestors, my relatives, my people.

So, I ask you:

Mahmoud Abbas Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Mohammed Mahdi Akef Abdel Aziz al-Rantissi Maurice Bardèche Harry Elmer Barnes Arthur Butz Thies Christophersen Doug Collins Günter Deckert Léon Degrelle David Duke François Duprat Robert Faurisson Bobby Fischer Roger Garaudy Hutton Gibson

Jürgen Graf Nick Griffin Michael A. Hoffman II David Hoggan Gerd Honsik David Irving James Keegstra Fred A. Leuchter Norman Lowell Horst Mahler Carlo Mattogno Carl O. Nordling Konstantinos Plevris Roeland Raes Ahmed Rami Paul Rassinier Dariusz Ratajczak

Otto Ernst Remer Lady Michèle Renouf Manfred Roeder Germar Rudolf Rousas John Rushdoony Bernhard Schaub Israel Shamir Gerald L. K. Smith Wilhelm Stäglich Gerald Fredrick Töben John Tyndall Siegfried Verbeke Richard Verrall Udo Walendy Richard Williamson Ernst Zündel

and anyone else who denies the holocaust. Please go to Poland. See what happened. Stand in a gas chamber and tell me this isnt real.

And for everyone else. Please defend this when you need to. I was on the C train a while ago and overheard a couple who were saying that they didn't think the holocaust was real. I went up, introduced my self and told my story. Now they are willing to look at reality. What I did was not special, notable or honorable. This is what I should be doing as a member of the human race. And so should you. If you have any questions on this, please do ask.

Asher Roth

You know who really grinds my gears?

Asher Roth. Ok, so he was a warm up for a concert I went to a while ago. All the sudden I hear, "Yo, yo, yo, if you snuck weed in to the Garden lit it up NOW!" And then I see a dweeby jewish kid walk on stage.

Ok, asher. You are from Morrisville, PA. You will rased in a well to do house. Eminem atleast has 8 mile. What you got? Oh, yeah, YOU ARE JEWISH! At least Matisyahu, The guy from the Wu Tang Clan and the beastie boys were respectable. You are a disgrace. What would your bubbie and zadie think about lyrics like "Drink my beer and smoke my weed" and "And I love drinking, ay! I love women, ay! Man, I love college?" Are these nice Jewish girls you love? Your safta should smack you upside the head! Oh, and what the fuck college did you go to... The Donald Trump Online University? Get a job. A real one.

Ok, so stop rapping, you annoy me. Go to shul.

That 17 year old wanna be hipster who thinks they can master the art of the mash up.

You know who really grinds my gears?

That 17 year old wanna be hipster who thinks they can master the art of the mash up. But they cant.

Ok, so some mashups are fucking brilliant. Like, The hood internet, Girl Talk and Super Mash Bros are ill. But dude. Just because you have a mac book and a flannel shirt from Urban Outfitters doesnt mean you can actually mash up music. Please stop trying. Go take some bad pictures or something.

Fucking Marichi bands on the subway

So, I am on the one train going uptown to do my field work. I have noise canceling headphones on and I am reading for class. All the sudden a troupe of 5 Mexicans with large Moustaches get on the train and start playing their mariachi music. And I can hear them THRU my noise cancelling headphones. They are that fucking loud and horrible. Why do these people exist? And then they ask me for money. I told them I had none.. Then they asked me for money again. I told them to go away. Still didnt understand. They understood fuck off. (I hate being an asshole, but please just let me do my reading.)

No, honestly, if this group ever gets on the train while I am on it, I will certainly give them money. Not to play. A few bucks is worth my peace and quiet.

Honestly, I do feel bad being an asshole to these people. Like they are just trying to make some money, but they are SO LOUD and SOO OFF KEY.

100 Calorie Packs

You know what really grinds my gears?

100 calorie packs. Just because I end up eating like 5 or 6 at a time. Like, who can honestly just eat one. And they arent very good too. And they are overpriced! Can we make a 500 calorie pack?

The shampoo/ body wash mix up.

You know what really grinds my gears?

The shampoo body wash mixup. I love using body wash, and I think it is the greatest invention ever, but I always mix up the two in the shower and end up putting body wash in my hair, essentially ruining it and I shampoo my legs, which is just awkward *Makes awkward turtle with hands*

Don't you just love when other people have the same problems as you? I went in to Lush and started complaining about this with the sales woman, and they actually sell an all in one shampoo body wash that is awesome! Made my day.

That one night that ruins your whole week.

You know what really grinds my gears?

That one night that ruins your whole week. Ok, we have all been there. Its that night where you just have an epicly good time and you may not remember all of it. (A word to the wiser: do not mix jager, vodka and rum). Its that night that is so awesome it involves snow ball fights with hipsters on Bushwick roof tops at 3am. It is that night that makes you think Katy Perry's experience in Las Vegas was lame.

And then it sucks. Because you wake up the next day. You may wake up in a strangers bed or on the floor of your apartment. You may wake up on a pile of string cheese (yes, this was me this morning). And then you realize you have a throbing headache, your breath reeks of cheap vodka and you cant stand up. So you go back to sleep. This is just the beginning of the problems. You push of work, to-do's, emails, cleaning, etc,etc and it spills over in to your week, causing side effects of missed reading, embarrassing your self in class and all of that. Also, it completely screws up your sleep schedule causing you to doze off in class and at work. You will have to explain the various drunk texts you sent to people. And it all sucks.

I think this rant should be required to be placed on every single bottle of alcohol. Thanks to Diana Jacobson for getting me started on this kvetch.

Expiration Dates

You know what really grinds my gears?

Expiration dates. While I understand it is important to tell me when my milk goes bad, how do you know? Like really, did someone time this to the exact day? I wanna meet the person who has the time to track a bottle of milk. Wouldn't they push up the date to scare people into buying more milk? I mean, no one really regulates these dates. Also, what if the date is too difficult to read. Then it is a constant guessing game between whether to consume the product or not.

Also, why do some products have expiration dates. Like bottled water. Since when does water expire? Like if I were to open a bottle of water after the date would I be like "DAMN... this water smells rotten, better pitch it!" Also, why does medicine expire? I am pretty sure it doesnt, and they just tell people this so we will go buy more of their medicine. Like, I have taken Tylenol wayy after the date and it still works.

In addition to all of that, there are expiration date fake outs, such as "Best Used By", "Sell By" and "Best Before". In actuality, these dates don't mean much, but they make me freak out.

So, I think the government should take ineffective dumbasses out of DMVs (another soon to come entry) and make them regulate the expiration dates. NO more dumb working. NO more confusion! No more fake out dates!

Digital Photography

You know what really grinds my gears?

Digital Photography. While I understand that Digital Cameras have revolutionized our world, and believe me, I have one, they have produced a horrible byproduct. The "Amateur Photographer".

As someone who is a "real Amateur Photographer", nothing drives me as nuts as when some 15 year old girl take a picture of pre-hipster against a graffiti-ed wall and calls it art. Or when they take pictures of eachother and call it Art. Or when they take a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge and post it on facebook and say... "Look at what a cool photographer I am!:D<3!!!" (Note to all of these dumbasses: Real photographers arent stupid enough to post their artistic photographs on Facebook because this relinquishes all of the rights you have to your shot. Read the Terms and Conditions some time. Get a Flikr) Or like when they take a picture of some bird, or a mountain, or something that is just boring as shit.

Real art should have real meaning. If you take a picture and tell me it looks cool, thats great. Now tell me why? Why is it cool? What is the meaning behind it? Do you know what the rule of thirds is? Do you know what aperture is? Can you edit photos digitally out of iPhoto? Do you know what 35mm film is, a SLR, etc, etc? If you answered no to these, you are not a photographer, so shut the fuck up. You arent talented. Period. Sorry.

PS- Sorry to trash you more sweetie, but real photographers dont use their cell phones, flip cameras and/or point and shoot cameras in automode.

Guacamole that looks better than it is.

You know what really grinds me gears?

Guacamole that looks better than it is. So, for those of you who dont know, I have had a recent obsession with guacamole, so I feel that it is my mission to search the city for good guacamole. Today, I was so dissapointed. I went to Zabar's and they had this incredible looking freshly made guac. So, I get it.

I come home from a meeting, dip a chip and chomp down. MAJOR LET DOWN! It tastes more bland than a fucking fruit salad. Like, what do I do with this guac now? There arent tomatoes in here, it is just so dissapointing. I think I am going to save it and serve it to people I dont like. Or throw it at people I hate.

People who dont get the Murse

You know who really grinds my gears?

People who dont get the Murse. One might ask what a murse is. To clarify, Man+Purse=Murse.

Ok, so the murse might be gods gift to men. It holds EVERYTHING from snacks, to books, to macbooks, to magazines, to bottles of wine, to keys, to news papers.

There are some people out there who tease me for having a large tote bag and carrying it as a murse. One, you are just jealous that you cant pull off a large Burberry Murse. Two, you are pissed that you get caught sneaking large bottles in to the dorms on a Saturday night, when I don't (yeah, dumbass, who uses a backpack for legit purposes on the weekend... well.... maybe a stern student). Three, you are simply not cool enough.

So guys, jump on the murse train. You wont regret it!


PS-Thanks to William Sledd for supporting the Murse
PPS- Why does MURSE not register with spell check. Apple, fix this IMMEDIATELY!!

Perez Hilton

Who know who really grinds my gears?

Perez Hilton. This jerkoff is laughing all the way to the bank. He make SO MUCH MONEY by staying home in his PJs and doodling on pictures of Celebs. Also, he is famous. Rich and Famous. For drawing zits on a celebrity.

I cant decide what bothers me more. Him, or the fact that I didnt think of this first.

The various NYU mascots

You know what grinds my gears?

The various NYU mascots. Ok, so we used to just be the violets. Like I know its a flower, but NYU is a pretty gay school, like it is ok. But then we had to add a Bobcat named after our library catalogue. This mascot is a fail. like WTF happened? I like how NYU tries to make a legit mascot and it is just a fail because it is named after Bobst (our library).

Also, who the fuck is housie? We have a third unofficial mascot which is a house. Umm... this is down town manhattan, There are no houses. Why does this even exist?

So NYU, here is the plan, throw the bobcat off one of the floors of Bobst, actually, just put him near an edge, considering his affiliation with NYU, he will probably jump (Too dark or offensive? Meh, I am publishing it anyway). And go in to Housie, put a plastic handle of vodka in his oven and turn it on. (I kid you not, this actually happened in my building). And then, we can just have the queer flower and call it a day.

Drug Peddelers

Who know who really grinds my gears?

Drug Peddlers. So I am in a bodgea, which happens to be on the first floor of my building. Im just trying to get some iced tea and all the sudden this conversation happens:

Creep: Hey, you live in this building right?
Me: Umm... Can I help you?
Creep: I got purple haze. You want some?
Me. I am good, thanks.
Creep: No, like NYU kids like purple, I am sure you want some. (He says this as I am picking out a bottle of Snapple and looking away from him)
Me: *ignores him*
Creep: Silence means a yes, here is my card (hands me an index card with a 6 digit phone number on it), call me if you want some weed, smack, purple haze or crack.
Me: Please leave me alone or I am calling the cops
Creep: Runs away

Like, just like buy my fucking snapple. i dont want any drugs. Go bother people in Bed Stuy or something.

The Drinking Age

You know what really grinds my gears? The Drinking Age.

Why? Here is a list of something that someone between the ages of 18 and 21 can do:
1. Buy tobacco
2. Qualify for Medical marijuana
3. Drive a Car
4. Vote
5. Die for their country
6. Pay Taxes
7. Keep a Job
8. Get Married
9. Have kids
10. Adopt
11. Become a Notary Public
12. Become a Real Estate Agent
13. Fly a plane
14. Become a clergy member (What, you dont believe this? I am a fucking reverend!)
15. Get a credit card
16. Get a loan
17. Open a business
18. Bar tend
19. Teach High School students
20. Work at a Suicide Hot Line
21. Be tried as an adult
22. Make a Will
23. Change your name
24. Men are required to register with the Selective Service
25. Become a bureaucrat.
26. Become an RA or TA in a Univeristy
27. Serve Jury Duty
28. Sign a Lease
29. Sign any legally binding contract
30. Drive a truck
31. Drink in Almost any other country in the world
32. Have sex
33. Buy Porn
34. Hire a Prostitute in NV.
35. Be tried as an adult
36. Be subject to laws of statutory rape
37. Gamble
38. Purchase Lottery Tix
39. Move out
40. Go to Dance Clubs
41. Go to strip clubs
42. Get a Drivers License with out having to get a permit
43. Get any piercing
44. Ger any tattoo
45. Get a checking account
46. Buy stock in your name
47. Have a savings account in your name
48. Get control of a UGMA/UTMA account
49. Be considered the guardian for any children on a flight with you
50. Basically everything besides drinking and joining AARP.

So I can do ALL of that but not have a nice Shiraz with dinner? What the Fuck America?

So why is the drinking age still 21? I have a conspiricy involving tobacco companies trying to get people hooked, but people think I am crazy. What do you think?

Abercrombie

You know what really grinds my gears?

Abercrombie. This place just reeks of douchey cologne. And douchey people. And just doucheyness in general.

It was about four years ago, I went in to the Abercrombie store in the Boca Mall and looked all over for jeans waist size 36, I couldnt find any, so I asked a sales person, and she responded, Ohhh... We dont HAVE that size.

Really Abercrombie, Really? 36 is a pretty average size. I dont see what the problem is here.

I wanna take these ass holes to a real mall in real America and show them everyone there is not emaciated.

Also, wasnt A&F like a camping store at the turn of the ceuntry? If these people knew what their store had become, they would be rolling over in their graves.

So, Abercrombie. Dont be a douche and stop creating mini douches. Like if you are going to seel clothes, have your models wear clothes. Has anyone else walked by the store on 5th ave and wondered what the avg IQ of the models standing in the front is? I dont know for sure, but there is a chance I could count to it using my fingers.


PS- Also what is with all of the subtle hints of homo eroticism in your ads? Gay people know better than to buy your crap

PPS- Holister, dont think you are ok either, this whole post equally applies to you.

When you want words to exist and they dont.

You know what really grinds my gears?

When you want words to exist and they dont. (This is in reference to my last post). I handed in a term paper last year and 5x on the essay, the teacher asked me if these were made up words. Like if you can get the meaning from the word, it is still good communication. Like Shakespeare, who is a plagerous bastard, make up tons of words that we use every day (i.e.: upstairs), so why can I make up a word? Huh?

People who discourage children from using condoms.

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who discourage children from using condoms. You mine as well encourage them to take up smoking while you are at it. Thanks for ruining lives and making my job as a contraception teacher harder. We all really do appreciate your blockheadedness. (Is that a word... well, it is now.)

That drunk...

You know who really grinds my gears?

That Drunk. You know... the one who hangs out side your apartment window who shouts incredibly profane things after having their 8th Colt 45 for the day. Like. it is 1am. I am trying to sleep. There is no need to loudly shout. "I am going to fuck your mother.... and your brother... and Eugene Debs. " I have no idea if he even knows who Eugene Debs is, but kudos to the drunk for knowing his American history. (For those of you who were either drunk or high for the AP, Eugene V Debs was the head of the American Socialist party at the turn of the century, and he actually ran for president multiple times) I am really tempted to go hand him $2.25 so he can go shout underground in the subway and not bother me, however, I know he will take it to the deli to buy more beer. If only NYU would let me open my dorm room window, I would totally start throwing the over ripened fruit and veggies out my window. AHH... I have such a perfect cantaloupe for this!!

I wonder what this guy does during the day. You know he probably runs some multi-national corporation or something like that.

Banging a limb.

You know what really grinds my gears?


When you bang a limb. Like you are getting up to run out some where, or you are in the kitchen, and all the sudden you just feel an huge wham and you scream FUCKKKKKK! because it hurts. And then it starts to hurt more and more until you have to go sit down for a good minute and rub it. It is just kinda cruel. I secretly want to foam pad my apartment so I stop getting injured so often. Like people probably think that some one beats me. It is just my rock hard wood desk. and my bed.

The worst thing about this is that there is really no solution. As long as we are alive we will continue to stub toes, wham knees and catch arms on doors.

The Communists who creep NYU students in Washington Square Park

You know what really grinds my gears?

The Communists who creep NYU students in Washington Square Park. Ok, first off let me clarify, I am incredibly liberal. I am someone where on the spectrum between the DNC and Democratic Socialism. But these people are just crazy. Like, have they even read the Communist Manifesto? All they ramble on about is the violent revolution, they dont even care about the good aspects that Marx argued for. So, Crazy ass communists, please, take all the money you spend making poorly Xeroxed fliers and use it to buy a meal for someone who is starving. That is real communism and distribution of wealth.

People who are too lazy to read subtitles

Who knows who really grinds my gears?

People who are too lazy to read subtitles. Like Come on. Almost all of my favorite movies aren't in English. Like, you know if a foreign film comes to America, it has to be incredible! But no. These idiots would rather see a Seth Rogen Film than watch a piece of art by Almodovar.

My message to these people: Get cultured! Go see a foreign film, go to the opera, listen to NPR, etc, etc. Please, don't further fuck up America!

Hold Music

You know what really Grinds My Gears?

Hold Music. Ok, So the last thing anyone ever wants to hear on the phone is, "Can I put you on hold", and as drones, we begrudgingly comply. And then we get greeted with hold music. Like this shit makes the 25 minute wait to change my plane tickets any better.

Like maybe if it was good music, but of course it isn't. Like honestly, if anyone has ever heard a good hold music song, please comment and prove me wrong. There a few different types of hold music:
1. Jazzy Overtones
2. Bad Classic Rock that is infused with Jazzy Overtones
3. And that ad for whoever you are calling encouraging you to go to their website (Yeah, because I would call if it was easy enough for me to figure it out on the website) Note: This ad may be done to a Jazzy overtone.

Also, there are issues when the hold music goes wrong. Like when it just plain stops. Like what do you do then. Like you are still connected, and might hear a faint clicking noise, but you dont know what to do. And then the 15 second loop of jazzy overtones will randomly come back and trick you in to thinking someone has actually picked up your call. But no. There is just some guy in an Indian calling center drinking his tea and laughing his ass off about this.

In Honour of Rebecca Kessler

You know what really grinds my gears?

Individually wrapped cheese. Now, to clarify, I have no problem with sliced cheese. But when they take each slice and wrap it. What the fuck?

Ok, so here is a list of my problems with Individually wrapped cheese.
1. People always complain about the environment and high oil prices. Hello crappy plastic wrappers?!
2. I can never get that fucker open! Like I try and I try to get the cheese so perfect and even, but the packaging always ruins the perfect cheese
3. The flavor that the cheese absorbs is defiantly plastic. I hate tasting that. Eww. Like you know there are some nasty ass carcinogens in there are something.
4. The lack of decoration on the packaging. Ok, so you make all the effort to wrap cheese, and not it is just going to be plain plastic. Make it cool, Like put a fucking dinosaur on there or something.
5. The lack of perforated edges. So most plastic things have perforated edges, Like condoms and candy and potato chips. But NOOO. This has to be all smooth on the sides to make it hard to open. Do these cheese producers just hate us?

So in short, individually wrapped cheese is just one huge mindfuck.

Ugch. I am all worked up now.

Megan Fucking Fox.

You know who really grinds my gears?

Megan Fox. Megan fox says she has low self esteem. Fuck her. Megan fox says she is a bisexual. Megan Fox just likes attention. Megan fox is afraid to fly. Megan fox fixes this problem by listening to Brittney Spears Songs. Megan Fox had tattoo buyers remorse. Megan Fox's excuse: The Tattoo artist was high. Megan Fox got her on and off again boyfriend's name tattooed to her self. Megan Fox is a fucktard. Megan Fox Looks like Angelina Jolie. Megan Fox needs to adopt some baby from Africa or some shit. Megan Fox's two most prestigous awarks were a Nickoloden Teen Choice award and a Spike TV Video Games Award.

So why is this crazy Bitch popular? She's hot. Thats it. Megan Fox, Please just like ram a hammer into your head so you make sense to me or some shit like that. Thanks.


Credit goes to Gaby Yahri for getting me started on this rant.

PS- Like seriously, doesnt this video just make you wanna vomit. Like seirously? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40-Oskte2uQ

Forgetting what you were going to do

You know what really grinds my gears?

Forgetting what you were going to do. Like, ever sit down at a desk, walk in to a store or go into the kitchen and realize you have no idea what you are doing there? Like, you know you have something to do, but you can remember what that is for the life of you. Like today, I logged into Blogger and I knew that I had something I wanted to write about. But I cant remember! So now you get this crappy post.

Unused Subway Stations

You know what really grinds my gears?

Unused or shut down subway stations. You probably dont know this, but the MTA has about 9 subway stations that exist and dont get used. (i.e.: 18th st on the Lex Line and City Hall on the 6). Real estate is so rare in NYC, they should lease these places out for retail or apartments or some shit. Like they tell us that the MTA is broke and that we have to pay more for less. Here is an idea... Let someone sell shit in the old 18th st station or on the unused lower tracks on the 7 in Times Square. Or the old City Hall stop is beautiful. I bet some designer would pay a shit ton of money to rent out that space!!

Post Note: This is actually pretty cool. Check this out. And the next time you are on the 6 look out while passing 18th, you can see it. Also, you can see the old 91st st stop on the 1. Here are all of them: http://www.columbia.edu/~brennan/abandoned/

The NYC tourist who thinks they know the city and have no fucking clue.

You know what really grinds my gears?

The NYC tourist who thinks they know the city and have no fucking clue. Ok, so I was walking thru Washington Square Park yesterday and I heard one tourist say to another, "This is central park". Now we are going to get on the 6 train and go to times square to go to Ruby Foo, its the best Chinese in NYC.

I wish I could have seen their faces when they realized the 6 goes to the Bronx. *evil grin*

Talking to a computer

You know what really grinds my gears?

Talking to a computer! So, my phone, computer breaks, I need to purchase airline tickets, I need to order a car service, etc, etc.

And I am stuck talking to the same fucking woman at every place. And she not just a power carer person, she is a COMPUTER who can understand me.

Me: Hi Citibank, I need to order more checks.
Her: Hold On. I can help you. Do you want a CD?
Me: No. Operator Please.
Her: Hold on. I will transfer you to new accounts.
New Accounts: Hi, Can I open a CD for you?
Me: No, can I just order checks?
New Accounts: Sure, let me transfer you.
...bad hold music...
Her: This is CitiGold. Do you want a CD?

Fuck my life. And fuck this lady. I would rather talk to Dell Tech support that talk to that deceptive bitch!!

Moochers

You know what really grinds my gears?

Moochers. everyone knows at least one. To clarify these are the people who use other people for their shit. Like, they will forget their wallet and then forget to pay you back. If you pick up this tab and tell them to get the next one, they never will. If you bring alcohol to a party, they wont bring anything and drink all of yours and then ask you to get more. These people are just fucking RUDE!

Oh, also people who insist that you pay them back to the precise penny immediately, but when they owe you money, they are just like, god, don't be so exact, or yeah, I will get ya later. I dont even deal with these people any more.

Like, dont be a DBag, because then I have to feel awkward about approaching you. And instead of telling you that you are a moocher, I have to hint at it via my blog.

Oxy Clean

You know what really grinds my gears?

Oxyclean. So, you see the commercial and you are like WOW! It works SO WELL! Like that shit is so clean!

So ofcourse, I go ahead and buy it. I throw some in with my wash. After coming back in a half an hour or so, I am so excited for how good it will smell and how clean my clothes will be. I open the lid and that fucker coagulated and stuck to all of my clothing, so I had to take it out, move it to a different washer and start all over again.

Billy Mays... this shit doesnt work!!!

Fruit Salads.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Fruit Salads.
There are two types. The bad and the horrible

The bad: This is when the fruit is incredible, but even if it is still the best fruit ever, there are only a few pieces you actually want, so you have to pick around the bad ones.

The horrible: This is when the fruit is bad and it has been sitting out for a few days. You go to pick that piece you want out and it tastes funny. Then you go and try another type of fruit and realize that while all the fruits might look different, they taste the same. Also, this type may contain an unrecognizable piece of fruit, that is maybe white and cube shaped (like maybe it is old cantaloupe, or a honey dew or pineapple) or maybe is small and sperical (and you can tell whether it is a fucked up grape or a bad blueberry) and only god knows. No, actually, god doesnt know. He is sitting up in heaven scratching his head thinking, What the fuck is that?

One Ply toilet paper.

You know what really grinds my gears?

One ply toilet paper. Is there someone out there that digs this shit? No. Actually, none would be better. Thanks.

Guidos

You know what really grinds my gears?

Guidos.

Do you wear Ed Hardy?
Do you drive a "tricked out car"?
Do you have a fake tan, designer sunglasses and a gym membership that you use way too much?
Do you hang out with "your bros" and use "no homo" frequently?
Do you disrespect women?
Do you use hair gel like it is water?

Then please stay in Staten Island and New Jersey. You are not welcome in the city. Nobody likes you.

Goyim on JDate

You know what really grinds my gears?

That baptist on JDate who lists them selves as "not willing to convert".
Why do these people even make a JDate? Are they just desperate or they just have a fetish for having sex with a well off Jew?

These people should just go to E-Harmony or Ashley Madison or something.

Hipsturds.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Hipsters. Ok, so I was on the L train this morning and some girl asked if she could bum a smoke. I apologized and said that I didnt smoke. She replied with "Gosh, well, I only smoke American Spirit Yellow, and you are deff not alt enough to smoke those anyway. Ucgh, Manhattan Mainstreamers".

Hipsters, let me tell you something. While I like indie rock and PBR, if you are conforming to something that is alternative, you are still a conformist. Your self-invoked narcissism can only go so far. Do something with your fucking life!

People who think gays choose to be gay

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who think gays choose to be gay. I was just talking with a friend about this. Yeah, gays today deffinatly choose to be gay, just like Jews chose to be Jewish during the Holocaust and how Blacks chose to be Black during Apartheid. Dumb asses.

Plastic Packaging

Do you know what really grinds my gears?

That horrible plastic packaging on cool electronics. Ok, so like the other day I bought these kick ass headphones from AC Gears (a sweet shop on 8th street). The employee put a new package in the bag. I get back to my apartment and guess what. Those things are sealed in the fucking Fort Knox of plastic packaging.

So, to try to open this with a scissors. and the scissors fucking break. I try to cut it open with a steak knife and end up cutting my finger. Ouch!

I proceed to give up and go run some errands sans my tunes thanks to this evil packaging. I was in kmart and I asked the people if they sold a product that could help me. They said they had a special box cutter that could open this product. Guess what... IT CAME IN THE SAME FUCKING EVIL PACKAGING!

So I had to purchase the box cutter and take it to customer service for them to open it.

Dear manufacturers. Please stop selling cool stuff in this bull shit. It is ruining the enivorment and it ruins my day.

Valentines day

You know what really grinds my gears?

Valentines day. Ok, so this is how I picture it being created. There are two people who work for the hallmark corporation sitting an evil lair planing on not only how to make a shit ton of money, but also how to make single people feel bad about being single.

So, every year on Feb 14th, we have to all go spend money on shit made in china if we have a significant other and if we dont, we have to sit in our apartments infront of the ten o'clock news with a pint of Ben and Jerry's wallowing in our own self pitty.

So, dear President Obama or Donald Hall (CEO of Hallmark) or who ever the fuck is incharge. Can we just kill this holiday? K. Thanks.

Tourists

You know what really grinds my gears? Ever walk out of Crumbs on 8th with a cappuccino and see the big red bus with tourists taking pictures of you? These people need to go back to midtown. I am tired of giving directions to people who want to go to texas, instead of Houston Street. I am tired of people asking me to take their picture, or rather, having to stop in the middle of the sidewalk so some girl from Kentucky can take a picture infront of a big building. Ever sit down to make a call or open your travel mug when someone with a Chicago accent asks you where the nearest bathroom is? What do I look like? A fucking Macys employee?! Ever had your picture taken by a tourist because you are a "real NYU student"? I have. Arg. Please go home, or at least back to times square and don't come below 14th St again!